It’s taken me seven months and seventeen days. Seven months and seventeen days of a new kind of darkness, a subtle but constant fear I’d never felt, of wondering what’s to follow. Two hundred and twenty-nine days of shielding my body in a way I never have, of questioning what it means to be a feminist in this climate. Each one of those hours, for every single minute, I have been retreating. Because how the actual fuck can I hope to move past a particular brand of feminism – the kind that looks outward at institutions and seeks their change – and preach my own brand – that which breeds harmony amongst women as a means of evolution?
So I have been silent. Project Girl Crush went on hiatus because I couldn’t summon its purpose. Look at this President. It feels like we have to start over. To return to the fundamentals of feminism, the most basic building blocks, before we can even attempt consciousness shifting.
Enter Jennifer Ament.
The Seattle artist has long been a vocal activist, but the recent election seemed to have the inverse effect on her. While I retreated, she marched forward. And she did so with more strength, more vigor, and more power than anyone I'd seen. “Immediately after Trump was elected, I had a few days of physical sickness. My body was in a complete adrenaline rush mode of pure ACTION, almost like what I imagine running into burning building to save someone feels like. I was not going to stop until I did something to help. I thought, how can I lend my artistic services or knowledge for change? I immediately emailed a couple of my favorite artists and friends, and asked them if they would be into donating work for a fundraising effort,” she said, of that urge to fight.
Artists for Progress formed as a result of that dizzying need for action. Raising funds through art to support organizations serving marginalized and oppressed communities, Jen corralled the community within weeks of the swearing in of he-who-shall-not-be-named. She organized and executed an event in Seattle showcasing local artists’ reactions to the election. All proceeds benefited Planned Parenthood and the ACLU. Jen raised over $15,000.
This woman kicked into high gear, and while feel incredibly proud to know her, I’ve also been desperate to harness some of that magic dust she used to propel her out of distain and into action. Because I haven’t been able to ride my own fury out of silence; until yesterday.
I was on a street corner in West Seattle, a small, quiet suburb of Seattle. These days, this neighborhood is full of young families, has a distinctly progressive vibe, and has always felt like a haven in the years that I have lived here. I was walking through a crowded bus stop when I came screeching to a halt. Right there, in the middle of a throng of onlookers, someone began yelling at me. Right. THERE. Out loud, in public, amidst strangers, this person began chastising me. The reason? Apparently, it was my nipples. I was yelled at for not wearing a bra, in 2017.
Everyone gawked, I can only assume at my breasts (the screaming display felt secondary to the boob spectacle), as I was berated openly for my choices, for my body. Now, I was wearing a bra, but that’s beside the point. My body was attacked in public, and I felt alone as I tried to protect it. But perhaps the worst part – worse than having strangers gape brazenly at my vintage Led Zeppelin T-shirt clad tits – was the fact that the perpetrator was a woman.
This is the kind of everyday shit that is happening in our country right now. It's this menial-by-comparison shit that pushed me over an edge I didn’t even know I had. People are furious. People are reacting to cars plowing into protesters, to military bans, to foreign threats, to the cabinets blatant support of hate. And with an overflow of anger we can no longer hold, we channel our fear towards one another.
This incident made me decide to put an end to my own silence. It made me look at the state of things, feel my stomach turn, and decide to do it differently this time. I decided to use my voice, just like Jen Ament would have. Just like she has been doing ever since this sad excuse for a troll doll was elected. Just like she will continue to do until a change has been made.
Alright Jen, tell me your life story:
Growing up, my dad was a nomad, and now lives in a van, by choice, and my mom had us go to about 10 different churches of different religions. We moved a lot for no reason. Denver is where they ended up, after living in New York, Georgia, Florida, and California. In Denver, I felt like a complete weirdo in a community of Jehovah witnesses and Mormons. This compelled me to search for meaning in a very confusing time, and I did that through music, art, and reading.
What led you to Seattle?
As a huge lover of good music and art, I had the feeling of connecting to other’s experiences that might resemble my own. As a teen, I came from the music scene in Denver, but when I heard Nirvana’s Bleach, I immediately felt a pull to the Northwest. Maybe it was the rain or the greenery, but it had a mystery and mysticism nowhere else seemed to have. When I first moved here I lived in a closet, in a rental shack that was infested with fleas and raccoons on the beach by the ferry in West Seattle. I took art classes and went to every show I could get into. I later moved to a Pioneer Square loft, and because there were so few of us young creative types then living in the city, it felt like we ruled this town. I now live back in West Seattle.
You’ve talked about several distinct periods of your life – the angst-ridden youth, the enlightened hippie of your thirties, and the woman you are today. Describe those shifts, and why the change occurred.
When I was 14, I was filled with angst from my middle school experience and became involved in a pretty hardcore punk scene. I went to some amazing shows, and that gave me a way to vent, but it was also an unhealthy lifestyle. After coming to Seattle, I was submerged in a scene that wanted to see change in a more intelligent way, rather than just blatant, mindless anarchy. After years of escapism with all kinds of mind numbing agents, I became obsessed with personal growth. I went to events, lectures, read every book I could get my hands on, and went to therapy to search for what I thought happiness might look like. I thought there was a place or a moment where I would find the pinnacle of enlightenment.
I finally realized that there are only fleeting moments of happiness and there wasn’t just one path to get to a final destination. It’s a forever path with no end to our learning. I realized that taking responsibility for my thoughts and actions was the key to personal growth. There is no “top of the mountain” that we reach before we die. Now in my forties, after years of searching, I have found that happiness comes from finding gratitude in everything you do. It also comes from serving others and giving of yourself and your talent to something more meaningful than your own personal gain. It’s as simple as that.
How did you discover your artform?
I have been drawing and painting since I was little kid. I wanted to be a portrait painter. Finally, realizing that the technical aspects were almost mathematical, I felt like I wasn't getting it, and was pretty down on myself. It almost made me stop making art because I thought I wasn't any good. I look back at the paintings now, and I actually really like them. After that I tried printmaking and encaustic painting and have never looked back. My career started when a friend came to my house and said she wanted some of my prints for her wall. Then a few others said they wanted some for their wall too, and so I started selling my work.
Talk about raising a daughter in today’s social and political climate.
My daughter knows she is living in a pivotal moment in history. We talk about how her generation now has the power of holding people accountable for their words more than ever. TRUTH is power, and because many kids now see the dishonesty that is rampant in our culture, TRUTH should be fought for. Music and Art in all forms aren't important to this presidency, and we talk about how this now means the arts are going to be more powerful than ever. When the arts are repressed by people in power, they become more passionate, angrier, and in my opinion, better. Amazing art can be created when artists are forced from complacency. My daughter has an incredible sense of self, and she knows who she is. I have helped her understand that she has the power to change things. Kids need our help to understand that right now. People think they’re powerless do anything, but change takes time, and I have no doubt this era will be a most shameful one for our future.
How do you think others see you?
I think that they experience me as transparent, vulnerable, maybe to a fault, and warm; someone who can accept personal responsibility for a fuck up, even if it’s painful.
How do you see yourself?
70% of the time I see myself as an immature, manic, 7-year-old mess. The other 30% as a capable, powerful, driven, loving woman. I am constantly striving to evolve more as a person. Art will always come far behind striving to be a better person.
When is the last time you remember feeling incompetent?
Today and everyday! With being a mother, with being a lover, with being an artist. I have constant moments where I struggle with my own self-worth. I recently had a studio sale and was shocked that more than 5 people showed up. There was a line out the door. I don't give myself nearly enough love, but I somehow put demands on myself to give it to others.
When do you feel the most yourself?
When I am around water with my family. When I’m submerged in water everything stressful melts away and the same when I am with the people that I love and who love me most.
When do you feel the least yourself?
When I ruminate or overthink. It feels like someone has taken over my brain. I have to constantly remind myself that we aren't what we think. Not all of the thoughts in our heads are ours. I sometimes tell my kids, “your brain is tricking you” when they get scared. I also have to tell myself that too sometimes.
What do you love about yourself?
I love that I have finally come to a place where I let myself feel empowered enough to say NO.
What don’t you love about yourself?
My honesty can get me in trouble and my overthinking can drive me nuts. I also sometimes lack self-control with consumption of most everything: Art, Instagram, Nachos, Music, beer.
Name one of your girl crushes:
My Daughter, Akira Galaxy. She is kind, driven, naturally cool as hell, and a talented musician. She thinks the best of everyone, knows exactly what she wants, and she immediately knows to move away from toxic situations. Some of us take years to figure that out.
When was the last time you were guilty of judging a woman too quickly?
Whenever any Trump supporters speak - especially his female supporters. I’ve had to reign myself in and check myself a lot lately. I’ve learned a lot about white privilege; about how many of us need to check our own ignorance about the realities of small town America and also how deep the liberal elite has had its head in the sand.
What frustrates you about the way women treat each other?
It’s easy to go down the delusional path of thinking certain women are better than us. When we’re able to look closer at our behavior and what we are feeling, we may be able to see that the story we have made up in our heads is not real. Just because someone its more successful, or travels a lot, or has more money, or more confidence than us, it doesn't mean they are an asshole. And it ALSO does not mean they are happy. Empathy has flown out the window in the Trump era, so that means we need to work even harder to be compassionate and soft to one another.
What do you love about the way women treat each other?
It’s easy to be vulnerable with other people we agree with, but when women can be respectful and try to connect with someone we may NOT necessarily normally connect with or have negative feelings towards…THAT’S empowerment. It’s empowering when we can pull back from our judgements and try to listen to people who might not be our type, or share our views, or political stance. With all of the madness happening in America right now, coming together without judgement and seeing each other’s vulnerability, even in maddening situations, is where we NEED to be headed. I have seen it. It is happening. We are evolving even though it looks like we are not.
